missmedical's Blog

Your love
Is like a warm summer rain
It washed over me
Drenched me
Cleansed the impurities that everything and everyone else left behind

Because of you
I am clean and new
Raindrops of love
Washed away the grime of a former life
And it all flowed down
Dark puddles pooling on the ground

Now everything is so clear
Under your bright, overcast sky
The gentle breeze of freedom brushing our skin
Making little waves in the puddles below us

Forever we can splash in the pools that our passion form
Forego our umbrellas
Stick out our tongues and taste the fresh waters
Dance in the downpour of love
And rest in the shade of the gardens that flourish

She sits alone at her local Starbucks,
Feeding her latest addiction.
Another attempt at reprieve.
Tick-tock, she watches the hands of the stylish black clock,
Ticking her time away.
She is not afraid, as she waits for the Man in Black.

Finally, the ting of the doorbell announces his arrival, as he weightlessly walks toward where she waits.
"You're late," she said.
"I'm a busy man," he smoothly replied.
"I've been waiting for a long time," she sighed.
"You don't have to wait any longer," he soothed.
She stood, and he held out his hand for her.

Together, they walked out into the dark alley.
He turned and faced her, and to her surprise, he wrapped his long, thin fingers around her neck.
She suddenly realized what a mistake she had made.
She reached out to push him away, but the gleam of victory in his eyes told her she had taken her last breath.
Eyes wide, she looked up at the sky and reached...

But she had stepped off the chair, the rope choking away her life,
And the Man in Black took her away.

There are these words
They bounce around from my brain to my mouth
Looking for somewhere to escape
I hold them in, cage them up
It hurts, but it's not so bad
Because everything else does too
I let them come out, when I'm all alone
But by then they've changed
They come out as screams, sobs, and sighs
Then my head feels numb, unfeeling
And when the pounding I'm my ears has finally stopped
I can hear it
My heart screaming at me
It cries out that you've gone
You've left me all alone
And that you'll never come back

I am deep
But I am hollow
I am someone
But I am no one
I am here
But I am gone
I am mature
But I am naïve
I am free
But I am caged
I am here
But I am there
I am forever
But I never was
I am brave
But I am afraid
I am strong
But I am weak
I am alive
But really I am dead
I am the in between
I am nothing

What is depression?
How do you know if you're depressed?

You're in your own little world
Consumed
Life slowly winding on
But every once in a while you're forced to look at the real world
And you realize that life just flew by
You turn to catch a glimpse
But it's already gone
It's too late
And you only think one simple thought...
"Damn, I didn't miss much."

Author's Note: I wrote this back in 2007. It was a dark time for me. Mental illness is real, and you should seek professional medical help. I myself have overcome this. I no longer need medications or any kind of therapy. THERE IS HELP. Life can be SO much better...you just have to fight for it.

This pain rips through me
I haven't let it in so long
But now it drags me under
Back to that familiar drowning

The music thrumming in my ears
It allows me to remember
Who I am
And where I'm from
Been able to block it all out
But this change
It ripped me apart
I had to stuff the pieces deep down inside
Now they claw to the surface
Like a zombie out of it's grave
But this grave is sealed right for now

How long until I can open up again?
How long until I can put this dead thing I've become away?
Will I ever break the surface?

And so it begins
The switch flips
The fuse blows

■ □ ■ □ ■

I taste the bitter metallic on my tongue
Steely venom; the first sign

Poison thunders in my veins
Grips the heart and squeezes tight

My muscles tremble in anticipation
Longing for the deep stretch of violence

The fire within lights in my eyes
Vision fades away and darkness enters

■ □ ■ □ ■

All is quiet
All is still

I slowly open my eyes and see only black
A smile forms at the corner of my mouth

The beast is awake.

I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle
Running from a man I swore I'd never be
No one ever has to face tomorrow
But I'm the one who has to face me

It's the demons I've created for myself
The tragic truth
It's hard for me to understand myself
So it must be hard as hell for you...

I can't say the Devil made me do it
I chose to be the one I am, the way I am today
I wish there was but there's no way around it
In the end I made the choice and will not die ashamed

It's the voices screaming in my head
The tragic truth
It's hard for me to understand myself
So it must be hard as hell for you...

-Five Finger Death Punch

My life is too easy.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm thankful for all that I have.
I know that not everyone is so fortunate.

But I'm almost envious of them,
The runaways.

To be thrust out into the world...
No security.
No safety net.
Nothing but the courage in them.
The hope of something better.

I wish I was more like them.
I wish I could just take a deep breath,
Let go of the cords of society,
And fall into the ocean of freedom.

No phone, no money.
Just the clothes on my back,
A few supplies and a pair of shoes.
An exodus into Mother Earth.